Autumn Ava

Our story. 

We lost out beautiful baby  Autumn Ava at 39 weeks, I couldn’t understand the fact that being 39 weeks, 53cm and 3.64kg she didn’t survive this world. She was so ready for this world, bigger and stronger then a lot of other healthy newborns. We had a perfect pregnancy, I’ll be honest I struggled with pregnancy. I didn’t like it. I had my fair amount of pain, struggled with the demands of my job as a paramedic which had its mental and physical challenges day in and day out helping others in need and not to mention the changes the body goes through during pregnancy but looking back now I’d deal with that twice over every single day for the rest of my life to have Autumn with us.

We were considered super extremely “low risk”. I’m young, healthy and had absolutely no issue of concern throughout our entire pregnancy. I’d had one early miscarriage prior to Autumn and deal with complications that the female body throws at many of us woman but I had absolutely NO reason to have a stillborn. NO REASON.

We went into hospital for only the second time for decreased movement. We’d been in 2 days prior for decreased movement but we were told everything was completely fine. She was absolutely perfect.. Autumn had a tendency for being quiet some days, Autumn woke me up at 4:30am in the morning with strong rolls and kicks, I spoke to my beautiful midwife at 11:30am in tears telling her I couldn’t do it anymore and I needed her out, physically pregnancy was killing me and we were ready. I then realised she has been quiet…. 4:00pm that afternoon we were told that Autumn had no heartbeat had passed and our life has shattered into a million pieces. We weren’t and never ready to hear those words. Thinking “ It won’t happen to us”

38 hours later Autumn was born. Initially I wanted her OUT. I wanted a c-section but the decision was made to attempt to have her naturally. I was induced and was sent home with many drugs to cope with the unbearable , due to the circumstances we now know, after a failed epidural and many MANY drugs not safe for pregnancy I went in for an emergency c-section completely under. From the moment I left my partner until I made it back it was 5 1/2 hours later. I went through complications…. Nothing was normal about our birth.

I’ve dealt with my fair share of grief but nothing is the same as losing a child, a child you prepare your life for, spent 9 months carrying everyday. This is the dream, this is the norm. You believe in the reward, but we didn’t get that.

Writing this, I hope this raises awareness, awareness that the unbearable DOES happen but shouldn’t. Life is cruel and it’s time to appreciate how delicate really life is.

I'm making a difference by fundraising for Bears Of Hope Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support. Bears Of Hope aims to comfort, acknowledge, empower, and guide families from within days of their loss and beyond.  

 While in hospital we were provided a beautiful care package that was so incredibly thoughtful and helpful at such a difficult time - donated through bears of hope from another little angel born sleeping. 

We were also provided a cold cuddle cot which allowed us to spend every precious moment we could with our beautiful Autumn 

Bears of Hope provides also counselling, support groups, grief workshops, parent support weekends, community events and crucial resources to help families navigate this heartbreaking time. In Australia, one in four pregnancies end in loss. As many as 100,000 new families may need support each year.

Your support of any amount is gratefully appreciated to help keep their services fee-free and together we can make that difference for families in need.